2015 - 2018

A little background about me.

I moved to Beijing in 2015 to study Mandarin. I love that time of my life which felt so good that I didn't have to worry about anything. I ate what I wanted to eat, I went to places that I had never imagined I would go before. I made friend, I made love, and all and all, and... it's over in one year.

3 January 2016, I went back to my home country. Saying goodbye to that best time of my life, got me so shocked and overwhelmed with the "New Jakarta".  I felt my life turned upside down. No, I am not exaggerating it.

"Yes, I do feel happy to be back home". That's what I said to people and to my self.

But my body knew me so well. I got a very bad diarrhea, which probably it was the worst diarrhea I ever had in my life. I couldn't enjoy my meals, lying on my bed most of the time, crying inside, stuck in my mind thinking about how great my life was when I was in Beijing.

And here's the thing to make it even worst. I am sinking into my "Beijing best photos" (oh social media), then cry and cry and another cry.

Then out of no where, an idea pops up. I remember my dad used to go to a meditation camp in Bali. Sounds very "nowadays" solution which people choose when they got stress with life. And surprisingly without me asking, my dad offered me to go to that mediation camp. Maybe it's his gut feeling, idk. But of course I said "YES"

So, off to the camp I went! A week without phone, 8 hours of meditation everyday, and eating vegetarian food. Hm, good experience. Very challenging in its way.

And that's again, there' so many ways to ruin them. It's just a week and I went back to wild wild real life jungle. Okay, but this time, with the after effect of meditation camp, I do feel a bit wisely. Accepting my present life ain't that hard anymore.

But my quarter life crisis is full of doubt and confused decision. I was still searching for "what is happiness" in an object. And I wanna chase it.

This lead me to another not so thoughtful decision, I effortfully searching for a way to go back to Beijing. I applied for Master Degree in the same uni I went before. And yes, they enrolled me. Suddenly everything seems like it went smooth again.

Trapped, It wasn't smooth.

The first time I step my feet back in Beijing. There was that regret. I was so nervous and lonely all of sudden.

That moment I realized, it's not the place that I missed the most, it's actually the moments. All moments I had in 2015 which never be the same in 2016.

I went to the same uni, but met different people. And my come back did not turn to be "Thank God I go back again to Beijing" but it was more like "Geez, why am I here again?"

And that also the starting point where I had to survive my Master Degree for another 2 years of loneliness.

(Update)

And life goes on... Beijing is over for the second time. I finally finished my Master Degree on August 2018. Oh, it's a relieve for sure. Finally I could back home feeling content. I didn't leave my happiness in Beijing, I brought it back with me to Jakarta.

2 years of ups and downs! If I look back now, I am not really sure what did I do right that made me survive till today. It must be God's grace, for sure.

It wasn't an easy ride. Studying in foreign country accompanied with loneliness inside my heart was a big struggle. Oh, plus, it's taught in Chinese. Smartly stupid decision, but yeah I thank my self now for that.

I will share some of my story during that special years later. Not in this post. Because I had too many to share.

So... 2018. Just like others graduated student. The question is "What's next" a huh?